UNTITLED MEDITATION

I was meditating on an issue I'm currently facing, a dilemma if you will, in which I'm presented with several possible outcomes. Some very, very good, some rather bad, and some carrying more neutral consequence. As I was thinking on these different possibilities, in my mind I was bringing out the spiritual director that I often bring out with helping others with similar dilemmas. As I was guiding myself through the facts of my own situation, I became suddenly aware of startling state of mind. I was comfortable. Even though there's pain in this uncertainty, there's a heart ache that's sitting with me in this dilemma, I was content to sit in it. I knew it. I am acquainted with it. If I sit here in my pain and my heart ache, I know what to expect. I know what's coming, because I control it. Even though it hurts... It's safe. There is a reluctance to move out of it one way or another.

As I recognized this in myself, I immediately saw that there was a deeper condition beneath this one. This desire to stay put and hang out in my heart ache was coming from a place of fear.

There's a very real fear that we all carry. Some of us carry it out in front of us, allowing it to affect our life and faith in very detrimental ways. Others of us have faced it and beaten it with the grace and love of God, but it still follows us, like a lingering echo from the past occasionally making it's way into our ears, whispering the destructive “what if”. What if God doesn't come through? What if God doesn't have our best interest in mind? What if God doesn't want me to have what I so desperately want? What if God's mad at me for what I've done. What if...

This place of fear stems from a issue that's deeper still. These anxieties all come from a common root of mistrust of God or a lack of trust in God. In God's Love. In God's Grace. In God's Character. I discovered that in this particular situation, I am having a very hard time trusting God's words in Jeremiah 29:11. I know He's good. I know He's got my best interest in mind. I know that He loves me and wants to give me only the best. I know his desires for me and his will for my life are better than anything I could conjure up on my own. But yet experiences, wounds from my past are affecting my perception. The pain of my past is casting doubt on my future. It's at this point that I must simply let go of my control and let God do his thing. It's at this point that another set of “what ifs” come into play.

What if... What if God actually gives me what I desire? What if I actually get what I want? I'm used to operating from a place of pain. A place of disappointment. A place of damage control and recovery. What if God begins to give me the desires of my heart? This is uncharted territory. The prospect of facing the unknown is strangely uncomfortable. It's unfamiliar. It's not “safe”. I don't know what to expect, like I know what to expect in the pain. I have no idea what's coming. All that I have to stand on is God's declaration that He loves me and the reality that He died so that he could be with me.

As I see all this, it's on this final revelation that I stand. God loves me with such an intensity that he died the horrible death of the cross just to be with me. If at the end of all this I come away with nothing but Him, how can I possibly say that I got the short end of the deal. So I stare into the unknown, standing on the precipice of His love with this simple prayer: “Lord I love you! Help me to love you more!”